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Jan
Summary Pronounced /jăn/, rhyming with 'van', not /yôn/, rhyming with 'yawn'. Jan, an Oracle and a literal Roddess, lives on the planet Kirkland which she built. She is the protective mother of 9 million children on Kirkland of a variety of species (including reptiles that live in the lake, the plants, and the planet's air) and she does the 30-day shred after every birth. Jan enjoys balloons on her birthday, occasionally misses red lights while driving her van, and makes a mean crock-pot Ranch Garfon. Appearances Ep.309 - Jan with a Van Jan's power as an Oracle has diminished as she suffers from self-diagnosed mom-brain. Her reluctance to delegate (delegating is a mom-fail according to Jan) results in her phone constantly ringing and has left her overwhelmed and exhausted. Jan shuttles her children between soccer and swim practice, does a lot of crock-pot cooking and freezer meals, hand washes all of the dishes, and prepares the kids for Spirit Week events including Pack Your Own Lunch Day and Crazy Hair Day. She gets 15-minutes of me-time each day before she has to take care of her kids on the opposite side of the planet. Jan is no fan of the Emperor, whom she met at the Planetary Teacher's Association (PTA). Jan resents how the Emperor pulled strings to get his children into PS-19, a famously good planetary school, and rigged the community theater productions to give his children leading roles. (Her son Toad had to take the role of Bunny #2 in spite of his wonderful singing voice.) The feeling must be mutual, as Jan appears on his dissidents list. Jan is still all-seeing and has enough power as an Oracle to provide the crew with the password to the Zima Prime website and advise them to stay away from horny doctors. She also doesn’t feel comfortable sharing what Bargie did (Season 3 spoiler.) Ep. 313: Well Hello, Partner Jan is pulled over by her son Josh for driving against traffic on a one-way street in an ad break for Care/of. She gets off with a warning but appears unaware that her other son Toad was riding on roof of her van. Trivia * It is unclear how Jan reproduces and the question of who (if anyone) is the father of any of her children remains unanswered. * Hand washing is a family ritual in Jan's house and involves a hand-washing song ("We wash, wash, wash, and the bubbles, bubbles, bubbles and we rinse, rinse, rinse...") * Jan may have a bit of a martyr syndrome. * Jan's children's favorite food is often tater tots, grapes cut in half, and a glass of milk. * Jan's children include: ** Unnamed child 1: Scored a goal in soccer ** Unnamed Baby 1: Uses diaper and told to forget diaper training ** Danielle: Broke Jan's Bitfit ** Todd: Flushed Jan's Bitfit down the toilet ** Jeremy: Wants to be cool with his friends by wearing sunglasses and putting cigarettes in his mouth ** Haley: Is divorcing Philip ** Philip: Is divorcing Haley (Jan thinks it may be because he's always been difficult) ** Sam: A lawyer and former smoker, Sam is representing Haley in her divorce and may resemble a well-polished broom. Sam resents his mother for not having enough time for people. ** Unnamed Baby 2: Drinks a bottle of stardust which makes it sick. ** Matthew: Impressionable. Matthew draws pictures of guns, makes gun noises, and does shavings of them after only brief exposure ** Toad: A toad from the lake, Toad chose to stay with Jan instead of live in the lake. Toad eats flies and has a great singing voice. Toad played Bunny #2 in a community theater production. ** Josh: A tough but fair cop who loves rules. Josh puts up a strong front but likes the way that Jan does his laundry and his uniform. Jan paid for his tutoring. ** Dave: Gave his brother a peanut. ** Unnamed son: Dared Dave to give him peanuts. Is apparently allergic to peanuts and needs to be given a pepipin after eating peanuts. Category:Characters Category:Guest Character